How to cope when moms and dads feed the winning-is-everything frenzy

By Debbie Werbrouck

You work hard in class and rehearsals, spending time and energy to produce exciting, creative choreography, all to make the performing experience a good one for your students. You might have visions of grateful parents, happy with the benefits you provide for your students. But sometimes the parents themselves present a roadblock to a good outcome.

I’ll never forget one incident several years ago at a competition that caters to students who are heavy on attending workshops but light on competition experience. For the first time, a school with obvious competition experience participated in the event. The students, very polished, wore beautiful, expensive costumes with everything matching, down to the last detail. The choreography was clever and audience pleasing. It was obvious that these were veteran competition-goers.

The tone was set before the performance began when the parents rushed into the dressing area to claim about half of the space for their children. Meanwhile, in the audience, another group of that school’s parents rushed in to claim the first several rows of seats. When the dances began, these parents entered and exited and talked while other schools’ students performed, and their yelling and whistling when their children appeared would have rivaled the noise at any sporting event.

When the results were announced, these students received multiple trophies and ribbons. They did not, however, receive first places for each entry. Their teachers and parents raised questions and objections, making comments to the effect that the other schools’ dancers weren’t as good and that their own students deserved to win. Their behavior put a cloud over an otherwise happy and exciting event.

Since the adjudicating committee had never experienced this type of behavior before, it was caught off guard. Several polite, general statements regarding respect for the efforts of all performers fell on deaf ears. The episode prompted a barrage of comments from the educators who regularly attended this event. The resulting changes—door monitors and a whole new set of rules—helped to eliminate many of the problems at this event, but I’m not sure they changed the tone of that school.

Of course educators set the rules for their own schools and for competition participation, but most people assume those rules are aimed at students, not parents. And teachers who have had no prior experience with hypercompetitive parents might be blindsided at the first encounter.

Usually, the problem starts with a parent who wants or needs to control situations. Parents like this need recognition, and one way to get it is through the accomplishments of their children (who usually, but not always, have talent). The parents either try to be very involved or do nothing but second-guess all efforts. Such behavior can be challenging for teachers and harmful to the students.

Overly competitive parents can sneak up anywhere. Their most common arena is competitions, but they’ve been known to appear elsewhere. Several years ago I learned what it’s like to deal with one of these parents firsthand.

Our school is proud of our family-friendly quality, and most parents support the faculty in their efforts for all students. However, one mother, whose two daughters had been students for several years, began to be a concern to me. As her daughters progressed through class levels, she began to invite only the “best” dancers in her daughters’ classes to birthday parties and other events. She would always volunteer for the project that, in her mind, would do the most to advance her daughters in classes, performing groups, or special productions.

You set the tone of your school. If you have a group that performs or competes, let parents as well as students know what you expect even before they audition.

I realized that she was putting pressure on her children when her oldest daughter came to a rehearsal crying. She said that her mother told her that she was wasting her time and money on dance lessons since the daughter didn’t get a “better” part in our company’s holiday production.

I was upset and torn about what to do since I didn’t feel as though I had the right to give the mother parenting advice. I decided not to speak to the mother; instead, I explained to the girl all of the factors involved in casting decisions, including matching heights for partners and balancing roles so that everyone is used in the most appropriate parts. I told her not to take her mother’s comments to heart because she probably didn’t understand the complexities of casting. Also, I emphasized how all parts are integral to the whole performance and how proud I was of her efforts and progress.

After our conversation, I tried to give this student as much encouragement as possible and kept my ears and eyes open for any other negativity from the mother. I didn’t have to wait long. “Parking lot” and “waiting room” comments from this mother got back to me (they always do, don’t they?) regarding how much more advanced her daughters were, in her opinion, and that she didn’t want to have her children held back by being in classes with students who weren’t as good.

This woman’s younger daughter began having major attendance issues—not surprising, since her mother had signed her up for a softball league across town on the same day and time as her dance classes. The student was falling behind and I called the mother to express my concern. She told me it wasn’t a problem because her daughter knew the dance and was still one of the best dancers, even without being at class. I explained to her that although her daughter had talent, without regular attendance she was not progressing with the rest of the class and was in fact regressing. Although she wasn’t happy about her daughter having to attend the remainder of the classes in order to perform in the show, she did comply.

I continued to have issues with this parent, but I dealt with them because I wanted to encourage the students. I finally asked the family to find a new school when the girls began to show the same competitiveness as their mother. I could see that my influence was not going to trump hers.

So how can educators forestall or minimize such problems? The answer—just as with most concerns—is communication. You set the tone of your school. If you have a group that performs or competes, let parents as well as students know what you expect even before they audition. Just as the dancers must follow your rules, parents must support your philosophy.

Let parents know that to be a part of a group or performance, everyone must support each other—that in order for students to benefit from the experience, educators and parents alike need to set a positive example. Tell them that in competition settings, you expect them to be gracious and respectful of all performers, educators, and parents.

To keep things on a positive note, you may want to post a code of conduct for your school that states the good actions you expect. You may also want to present consequences for actions that don’t comply with the expected behavior. Many schools have contracts with students and parents so that everything is clearly laid out.

It’s a good idea to let parents and students understand what your goals are for each event. In any performance, you want dancers to work hard to improve skills and gain experience. You may want to explain that in a dance competition, high scores are in the eyes of the judges; they are opinions, and therefore subjective. Explaining this point beforehand will give them perspective about the experience; explaining it after the fact will sound like an excuse if expectations are not met.

Emphasize that competitions and performances are growth experiences that should have positive benefits. These can include learning the value of working hard, stretching their abilities as dancers, making new friends, and experiencing the larger dance community. To make these opportunities into positive learning experiences, educators should help students (and parents) balance their reactions, encouraging them not to feel bad if the results are less than expected, and not letting first-place awards go to their heads.

Ultimately, though, you may not succeed with every encounter. Some parents won’t believe that your words apply to them or their children; others will hear only what they wish to hear. And some will blame you if their child doesn’t “succeed” according to their definition. In those cases, if personal warnings don’t work, you may have to ask the students to leave your school in order to preserve a healthy educational environment for your students, faculty, and yourself. Refusing to compromise your values and standards will reinforce your standing with your students.