Posts Tagged ‘A better you’

What you say, and how you say it, are as important as what you do

By Suzanne Martin, PT, DPT

Having a nice day? As teachers and studio owners, you’ve probably noticed that the quality of your day has a lot to do with the people you deal with. Dance education means lots of face-to-face interaction, and that means running the gauntlet of myriad personalities and their varying emotional states. When customer satisfaction is a necessary goal for survival—as it is for anyone involved in teaching dance—it’s important to work toward positive outcomes in both business and casual interactions.

It’s easy to forget that clients and employees often have their own agendas, which might be different from your own. All of us can learn from Mahatma Gandhi, the premier model of self-control in extremely difficult human relations. In one story I heard, when Gandhi was anticipating potential violence with soldiers as he held fast to his civil disobedience, he said he trusted that the soldiers would behave as what they were—soldiers. He didn’t expect them to act or behave any differently than as they were trained to do: to follow orders and provide military defense when instructed. True story or not, it’s a good example of the kind of thinking you should strive for.

If you don’t think like Gandhi—in other words, if you trust that people will behave in a way that they probably won’t—you’re setting yourself up for problems. Unrealistic expectations can lead to faulty communication. Remember the famous quote by cartoonist Walt Kelly, “We have met the enemy and he is us.” Make sure that you’re not contributing to communication problems by expecting others to behave or think as you do, or as you think they should.

Communication should be a two-way street, but it’s often one-way instead, with more twists and turns than San Francisco’s famed Lombard Street. To help you recognize verbal volleys, take control of your words, and dodge and dart your way to having a nice day, here are some tips inspired by Oakland-based communications consultant Sharon Strand Ellison’s Taking the War Out of Our Words: The Art of Powerful Non-Defensive Communication.

Power of words
Words contain power, packaged as questions and statements. To shed some light on how convoluted communications affect us, let’s start with the simple question. Or is it so simple?

Questions
Questions can be loaded with hidden meanings, containing either intentional or not-so-intentional adversarial statements. Consider two seemingly benign questions. First, one for students: “Do you want to be a professional dancer?” Spoken in different ways in different contexts, the meanings could range from “You need to work harder” (showing irritation or unmet expectations) to a non-loaded inquiry about future plans: “Are you considering dance as a career?” Add tone of voice, body language, and qualifiers like “always,” “ever,” and “never,” and the question’s meanings become even more layered and judgmental.

Now, one from a parent: “When will Susie perform [insert coveted role]?” The meaning could range from a simple request for a chronological date to a not-so-veiled expectation that Susie should be promoted, and soon.

The most volatile questions come with multiple choices that offer no appropriate answer or are self-incriminating. I know someone who was asked in a job interview whether he would prefer to kill someone with a knife or a gun. The poor guy was so taken aback that he completely blew the interview. (Oddly enough, the interview team didn’t understand what the problem was.) Before asking such a question, think about how you would feel if you were offered only compromised answers to choose from.

“Why” questions, a common form from children, often make us feel like we’re being interrogated. Students, employees, and inquiring parents might have innocent intentions but are not always tactful. Some zingers from children: “Why don’t you wear less makeup?” and “Why are you so fat?” Even in the face of such outrageousness, think before you answer. It’s easy to laugh off a child’s lack of social skills, but when dealing with adolescents and adults, use the three-second-wait rule. That brief delay helps you avoid knee-jerk replies that may come off as defensive, sarcastic, or judgmental.

Make sure that you’re not contributing to communication problems by expecting others to behave or think as you do, or as you think they should.

Adults might not understand that they are overstepping boundaries by asking questions that are none of their concern (why the school is run the way it is, for example) or that are distracting. Two questions I’ve gotten are “Why do you work so hard?” and “Why are your eyes so dark?” These questions are particularly annoying when I’m giving a client extra time and attention. A momentary lapse of decorum on my part could mean losing the client—and even worse, my response could zip along the gossip hotline and cause ill feelings with many people.

Ellison advocates replacing “why” questions with “what” questions whenever possible. Instead of “Why don’t you pick up your children on time?” try asking, “What’s stopping you from picking up Susie on time? She was upset the last few times you were late. How can we work together to resolve this?”

Statements
Now consider the other primary mode of common speech, the statement. Statements seem straightforward, and that’s the problem. Statements define authority, but they can mislead as well.

Definitions of authority
Start observing three things: how others use inclusive pronouns, state their opinions as facts, and speak in generalizations. Analyzing these practices will show you how to exert authority with conscious skill.

Inclusive pronouns such as “we,” “you,” and “they” can suggest superiority; they distance the recipient. Saying, “We plié with the ankles first, then open the hips,” comes across as fact, whether it’s accurate or not.

Start taking note of how many people speak in generalizations, which can instantly turn opinions into “truth” (like “Everybody’s doing it, Mom”). The same thing happens when you use absolute verbs (“is,” “are”) to pass judgment (“Ballet dancers are dumb” or “Men aren’t flexible”). “They say” is a prime example of unsubstantiated authority (who are “they”?), as are unqualified percentages (10 percent of people think/do whatever) and the popular “Studies show [insert desired ‘fact’].” A simple “What do you mean?” can counter such empty statements.

Negative statements can be tough to counter. Try responding with a “why” question when someone says, “It won’t work,” or “I can’t do it.” But use one that rephrases the question in a positive way. Responses like “Why do you say it won’t work?” or “Why do you say you can’t do it?” suggest that a positive outcome is possible.

Although this kind of response allows negative people to be heard, they might not want to give more information. Ellison advocates allowing them to refuse to respond. Think about your own experiences. Coercing information out of someone can feel like theft or a violation.

Statements as predictions
Statements can become predictions, which hypothesize about a potential outcome. Parents often use predictions with their children; for example, “If you don’t stop by the time I count to three, you won’t get dessert.” However, beware the fake warning. Nothing undermines your authority like making a prediction you won’t carry out. If those parents give their children dessert even though the undesirable behavior continues, they lose credibility as authority figures. Even small children know the score on that one.

According to Ellison, predictions can be protective, foretelling, or neutral. They are protective when you give cautionary instructions, such as telling students to sew their elastics on their shoes (because using safety pins or staples would be harmful). Foretelling can be judgmental, as in “If you wear that, you’ll be on the worst-dressed list.” The best choice is a neutral prediction.

Being neutral means predicting only how you will respond to the potential choices the other person could make. You will offer two alternatives and you must clarify each choice in order to avoid having people make assumptions. For instance, if you tell a hysterical parent, “If you continue shouting at me, I will have to walk away,” and you stop there, the parent could assume that the conversation is over and there can be no positive resolution. However, adding an alternative, such as “If you stop shouting, then I will do my best to listen and find a solution,” offers a chance of a win–win resolution.

Accountability
Acknowledging your own verbal accountability—for how your words come out and how they’re received—is important in maintaining a non-defensive posture, even if the person you’re in conflict with refuses to do so. Remember that excellence is born in doing the right thing. And doing the right thing doesn’t necessarily mean it will feel good in the short term.

It will take practice to remain neutral in your questions, statements, and predictions. Start to notice your interactions, and then take your cue from Gandhi and take a non-defensive stance.

I have faith in you.

Look beyond your talent to find wisdom

By Suzanne Martin, PT, DPT

Got talent? Of course you do! If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be in the position you are with a dance studio. Is it a blessing that allows you to soar above your peers, or a curse that blinds you to the need to follow through with vision and passion?

In defining talent in the dance world, we tend to think of the extremes. For example, when I taught dance in the San Francisco Bay Area, I had a 9-year-old student who, in her first class, not only demonstrated perfect second position pliés but could do a développé à la seconde on the first try, with turnout, above her shoulder height.

But what’s more interesting is what people do with their blessing or curse. Take the real case of a boy who could perform multiple pirouettes and cover a full stage with jetés en tournant by age 11. In spite of his promising talent, self-sabotaging behavior ended his rise to the ranks of a major professional company. Unable to understand the precarious nature of his gift, he acted out by mouthing off to his teachers and finally succumbed to emotional problems and drug addiction.

These extreme cases bring to mind the highs and lows of talent. Often, we learn what works and what does not only in hindsight, and over time. Yet one thing is certain: It takes more than talent to stay the course. It takes drive and initiative.

Taking tips from Talent Is Never Enough by John C. Maxwell, a minister who has written more than 50 books, can help us address not only how to stay in the game but how to thrive in it. The disparity between what talented people expect from life and what they actually get (its realities) provides the friction of a perfect stress storm. Let’s look at some of the basic truths Maxwell expresses and consider how they apply to dance teachers.

• Talented people often get frustrated with the mundane aspects of life such as paying bills and dealing with people; after all, focusing on their talent is so much more engaging.
• It’s not enough to have knowledge; it’s what you do with it that counts. That’s called “wisdom.” Wisdom involves prudent decision making.
• The biggest stress buster is acting with what Maxwell calls “wise thoughtfulness”: attempting to listen, allowing others to be heard, and yet allowing them to take the consequences of their actions, such as letting a student who waited too long to sign up for a class miss out on a performance.
• Successful talented people don’t act alone; they value interpersonal relationships. We don’t live in a vacuum and we need other people to help us carry out our visions, serve as receivers of our talents, and mirror our contributions (the fulfillment of our talent) to others. Taking the help and admiration of others for granted may work for a while, but following the one-way streets of self-centeredness can send us circling in an eternal vortex. Making the most of your talent means developing enough strength of character to last past being the flavor of the month.
• It’s important to find balance between the all-consuming, outward focus of using one’s talent and the inward focus needed for restoration. A busy life may not necessarily provide a productive life and can actually quell the development of a person’s full potential.

So what does all this mean to you?

Overcoming the mundane
Another helpful book, Your Own Worst Enemy, by psychologist Kenneth Christian, founder of the Maximum Potential Project, offers insight into how to reach the point of commitment, of not turning back on yourself and your goals. Christian asserts that gifted people often expect that they will breeze through an exceptional, almost magical life due to the ease and accolades they have grown accustomed to. As artistic souls, they may bristle at the thought of being ordinary or leading a structured life.

One of the pitfalls here is that boredom and lack of interest can create a tendency to skip the details that ultimately might lead to memorable work. Christian identifies the underlying problem as a fear of failure. Gifted people who realize their potential put themselves in the position of taking risks; they learn from trial and error, correcting themselves as they go. The price for avoiding details and taking the path of least resistance, he says, is a life of shallow activities and limited interests.

Finding wisdom
How do teachers and school owners demonstrate wisdom? With prudent decision making and by delivering messages without tarnishing their talent with bad manners. Being mindful not only of what you say but how you say it can create a make-it-or-break-it moment. The talented often forget that they do have choices in how they demonstrate their talent, which touches all areas of their lives.

Teaching and running a studio both involve many moments of interpersonal interaction—from registration days to the start of each class to year-end performances—which, when handled with wisdom, hopefully turn into years of ongoing relationships.

How many times have you seen talented people show, through their behavior, that they just don’t get it? Here’s one example: A studio owner friend of mine described a Pilates studio in which the instructor was militant, admonishing people (like my experienced friend) not to “cheat” by modifying a move. When the instructor asked my colleague why she thought the class was losing students, my friend cheerily answered, “Maybe you could try being friendly!” Ouch.

Wisdom means understanding that although you need to convey a message, it’s best to do it when you can add value to the relationship. Talented people are used to acting quickly and instinctively. In potentially confrontational situations, train yourself to take a couple of breaths or a few moments (or longer) before taking action. Reflecting before interacting can lead to a positive resolution instead of escalating tensions. Ask yourself: Will I be happy tomorrow with how I handled this situation?

Wise thoughtfulness
The wrong timing exacerbates difficult confrontations. Some confrontations call for privacy, an appropriate location. Taking into account the fatigue level of the person to be confronted and yourself can be a deal maker. On the other hand, thoughtfulness goes both ways. One responsibility of the talented is to be a good representative of what that talent gives you. If you constantly complain about how tired and busy and stressed out you are, why would someone want what you have?

We need each other to succeed. Take the example of a ballet studio owner whose senior ballet master wasn’t included in the studio transfer when she sold her business. He had had one personal drama after another, losing focus in his classes. Despite the man’s talent, the new studio owner wanted nothing to do with him. The ballet master needed the new owner’s acceptance to remain at his job, and he failed to get it.

Character formation
Character formation is critical to gifted people because it occurs through experiences over time, whereas their talent has probably been there all along. Will they have enough character, avoiding shady business or dubious shortcuts, to carry out the passion of their talent when life gets difficult? This goes along with acquiring a taste for the mundane details of life.

Carrying a vision to fruition means taking risks but correcting choices along the way, as well as developing a lifestyle that ensures lasting success. The paradox for the talented is that focusing on only the giving aspect of their talent may leave little time for the restorative necessities of life. They may try to avoid burnout by using drugs or alcohol—but that’s a choice; it’s not inevitable. Even the best thoroughbred has to be groomed and fed and rested.

Balancing inward and outward focuses
The introspective activities of thinking, reflecting, and meditating take time. Wise choices often come to us in times of introspection, and those choices play a big part in making a happy, fulfilling life. The gifted may need their eyes opened with the help of professionals, such as mentors, a business advisory team, or a therapist. I find that answers and direction often come intuitively through meditation and journaling. During my Stanford Hospital internship, years before I began to write professionally, I followed my 40-minute commute with a cup of tea and 10 minutes of writing. Only then did I turn to my patient load for the day.

Deflecting stress with words
While the talented love an artistic challenge, too much stimulation and stress can turn smooth sailing into choppy seas. One trick to ease the burden is to pay attention to language that gives personal power and that reverses negative statements. For instance, try replacing “I would like to get it done today” with “I am doing it today.” Say it out loud and notice the change in the tension in your chest. It works for dealing with mundane tasks as well. Try saying, ‘There’s still time to . . .’ in place of ‘It’s too late to . . .’ and again notice that the altered intention gives a bit of ease. It may take practice, but deflecting stress by simply changing the words you use can be a powerful ally in getting through those long days.

Staying the course
Christian offers one final exercise for staying on track. Try adding it to your meditations or to that final five minutes in bed before you begin your day. For just a few minutes, focus. Imagine yourself gathering the materials and resources you need for that day, or for a particular project. Then see yourself in your mind’s eye as beginning the work and then going on to complete it. Create a self-fulfilling prophecy, and meet the potential of your talent.

I have faith in you.