Posts Tagged ‘dance parent’

Creating policies and sticking to them is risky but right

By Rhee Gold

As I travel the country presenting my Project Motivate seminars, I’ve discovered a trend. It’s a growing disconnect between what’s said and what’s done. The frustration that arises among teachers and school owners stems from students and parents who feel that they don’t have to abide by the policies or rules set forth by their dance school, that they, or their situations, are exceptions to the rules.

Sandra Waite is a school owner and teacher with a large group of intensive dancers who are involved in local performances and competitions. Her students go through a professional audition process, and then they receive a handbook, which includes all the policies pertaining to participation in the program. In an effort to keep the lines of communication open and experience organized, Ms. Waite hosts a meeting with her intensive dancers and their parents to go over every aspect of the handbook. It covers all expenses and due dates for tuition, and explains the time commitment required. All intensive dancers agree not to miss more than three rehearsals or classes during the season and are required to be at every performance. Ms. Waite’s handouts explain that dedication and discipline are the keys to a successful experience. After going over all the information,  Ms. Waite encourages her students and their parents to ask questions to better understand the responsibilities of both the child and parent. At the end of the meeting Sandra explains that she would prefer the dancers did not register for the program unless they agree to all the policies and commitments. She asks parents and the students to sign a document that confirms that they agree to the requirements.

All went well for the first month of rehearsals and classes but then Ms. Waite received a call from a parent of one of her best dancers. She said, “My family will be leaving for vacation and so my daughter will be out for more than a week.” The parent admitted that, yes, her daughter would miss all classes and rehearsals, including a session with a choreographer      Ms. Waite was bringing from out of town.      Ms. Waite reminded the parent about the meeting, the policies, the handbook and their understanding that the parent and the child had made a serious commitment to the program and to the other dancers in her group. “There are exceptions to every rule and sometimes you just have to accept that,” responded the parent. She added, “I’ll pull my daughter from your school if you don’t make an exception for her.” Ms. Waite pointed out the child’s responsibility to the other children in the group, to which the parent replied, “I’m not concerned with the other students. My own family is my priority.”

Sandra saw that she had two options: to follow through with her policies, which stated that missing more than three rehearsals or classes would result in removal from the program, or to allow the child to miss classes and rehearsals and to justify to others why she had excused the student with no repercussions.

Ms. Waite chose option two. She decided that she didn’t want to lose the student. After all, the dancer was one of the most talented in the group and she didn’t want to lose the monthly income from the tuition.

During the child’s missed week, she was absent from a costume fitting, four classes, and two rehearsals. When other dancers and parents asked Sandra about the missing child, she explained that she had excused her for the week; a total contradiction to the policies of participation. The other members of the group and their parents became progressively more disgruntled and began to discuss their views in the school waiting room. Some of them had missed family functions and other personal activities that conflicted with dance and they had taken their commitment seriously. The negativity concerning the subject spread like wildfire. By the end of the week, two more dancers were missing from the choreography session, and others started to miss classes. But Sandra’s hands were tied; she couldn’t say or do anything. She had diminished her power to enforce the policies when she made the exception and even worse she allowed the parent to pressure her into violating her own agreement with the group.

The situation continued to worsen; spotty attendance and commitment became roadblocks that affected rehearsals, choreography, and the overall morale of her entire intensive program. As the season wore on, Ms. Waite found herself setting choreography with only half of her dancers in attendance. She would then have to go over the new choreography at the following rehearsal for those who had missed. By the time her students were scheduled for their first performance, the group was far behind where it should have been. Everyone was stressed out. Most rehearsals had been dedicated to catching up, rather than focused on cleaning the choreography.

Sandra put the blame for her dilemma on her students and their parents, saying, “They’re not the same as they once were.” She contemplated whether to discontinue the intensive program. After all, her dancers didn’t seem to want to dedicate the time needed to create a solid program. She wanted to work with dancers who wanted to be the best they could be. Sandra never realized that she had created her own problem when she began making exceptions to her policies.

When first confronted by a student’s parent demanding exceptions, Ms. Waite should have stood up for her policies and she might not have landed in such a powerless position. Instead of worrying about losing one of her best dancers and the monthly tuition, she should have enforced the rules, explaining that everyone had to make choices. This one was to go on vacation and give up a place in the intensive program or to honor the commitment both dancer and parent had made. Whether or not the child continued at the school wasn’t the issue. Setting an example would’ve meant that all her other dancers and their parents knew that policies were to be taken seriously. Attendance would not have diminished; there wouldn’t have been gossip or hard feelings, and the end result would’ve been much better. By the end of the stress-filled season, Ms. Waite lost five students from her intensive program, including the one who had gone on vacation.

I’m not pretending that choices are easy or without risk. But as educators and school   owners, we must have the confidence to stick by our policies, without regard to whether or not we might lose a student. The negativity generated by not respecting our own rules will almost always backfire on many fronts because word travels far beyond the school waiting room. Be strong enough to stick to your beliefs, policies, and respect your understanding of what it takes to have a successful school. Resist being intimidated by parents who are actually setting the wrong example for their own children. Trust your knowledge and stick to your policies. In the end you’ll be glad you did—that’s why you made them in the first place.

Honest answers to parents’ questions

By Diane Gudat

When we are faced with those inane questions from our students’ parents, what we actually say and what we want to say are often as different as Kool-Aid and tequila. Though the dance business requires us to take a deep breath, smile, and babble something diplomatic, a more scathing answer is taking shape in our guts—something snippy but immensely soul-satisfying. Just for fun, let’s imagine that we’ve taken the filter off and can say exactly what’s on our minds.

What follows are actual parents’ questions that I have fielded over the years and the responses I wish I could have given. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Is it OK if Suzie misses her rehearsal on Saturday? I know they have a performance next weekend, but her school classmate is having a birthday party and she really needs to be there. We do not want to let her school friend down.

What are her dance classmates—chopped liver? They are counting on her too! If everyone went to every birthday party, we would never be able to rehearse. But then again, birthday parties are fun and rehearsal usually isn’t. When I asked her to commit to the performance group I could never have imagined that she would have a huge conflict like this. Obviously, you must do what is best for her. Her friend will probably have only 70 or 80 more birthdays.

Would you please move Sallie to the advanced class on Wednesday with her older sister? It would be much more convenient.

First, Sallie is two years younger than her infinitely more talented sister, and second, the rest of the appropriately aged students in the classroom will probably not care if it is more convenient for you. I have a great idea! Let’s leave Sallie where she is and move her older sister back. And I am sure you will not mind if I move 4-year-olds into that class to better work around their nap times.

Betsy just hates to wear her hair in a bun for ballet class, so I am going to let her wear it down today, OK?

Does Betsy get to do everything she wants? As my dear, unbelievably frank mother would say, “People in hell want ice water, but they are not getting it either.” There is a reason that dancers wear their hair up, not the least of which is that sweeping hair off the floor is my absolute pet peeve. Do you let her wear her swimming suit to school?

Why does the other class get that pretty purple costume? Purple is Jane’s favorite color and she is very disappointed.

Well, Jane is in jazz class and that pretty purple costume is a ballet tutu. Besides, Jane’s class is dancing to “I’m Blue.” Also, were you not the parent who called last week to complain about how much her (less expensive, by the way) costume cost? Get her a purple Popsicle and tell her to keep her hopes up for next year.

Jessica’s Girl Scout meeting has been moved to 4:00. Could you please move her class to 5:00 so she can stay in Scouts?

Sure, no problem! The other 12 children in her class will not mind that a bit and I will call the other 60 dancers whose classes are after hers to move them back an hour. The high school kids will not mind finishing at 10:30 p.m. Girl Scouts are great! Let me know when she is selling cookies.

I know Kate’s class wears black tap shoes, but she fell in love with these black-and-white ones at the dance store and I got them for her. I was sure you would not mind.

Well, our dress code was distributed in August with the idea that all of our dancers would have matching shoes for our recital at the end of the year, but I am sure the other dancers will not mind the fact that Kate’s shoes stand out in the line. I will put her right in the center and plan the choreography around her. Perhaps she would also enjoy having a costume that’s a different color than the others. Just let me know.

I noticed that the girl who beat Sophie at the last competition did those turns where she stuck her leg out. Would you put some of those in her solo for next weekend so she has a better chance of winning?

Let’s break this one down. No one beats anyone else at a competition! Dance is an art, not a sport. There can be no losers other than parents who put the emphasis on what size or color award their dancer brings home.

If you do not know what a dance move is called, it is a big clue that you do not know what you are talking about. I gave your dancer what she does well and hoped to build her confidence with solid performances you could both be proud of. No big trick will change the results of a competition, but if it makes you happy I will put several “stick your leg outs” in her routine in my spare time for free.

If you do not know what a dance move is called, it is a big clue that you do not know what you are talking about. But if it makes you happy I will put several ‘stick your leg outs’ in her routine in my spare time for free.

Joanie’s cousin from Arizona will be here next week and I told her it would be OK if she takes dance class with Joanie. She does not dance but always wanted to. I thought it might be fun.

Sure! I will make a welcome banner, bake cookies, and plan some dance games. Bring your video camera! Never mind that I have had students fighting to get into that class for the last three months and have turned them down due to lack of space and talent. We are two weeks from a performance, but we can stop to entertain guests. Let me know when you schedule the family reunion and we will plan the week around it. It will be fun!

Paula is going to have to drop class for January and February so that she can be in the junior high musical. Please order all of her recital costumes because she will be back after a short rest in mid-March. Could you mail me the newsletters?

Sure, we will put everything on hold until she gets back; you take your time. A class without Paula is like a day without sunshine! We will let her get back to class and get comfortable, and then we will start working on routines when she feels ready in April. I am sure that four weeks is enough time for her classes to prepare for recital. Let me know when the musical is and we will close the studio so everyone can go.

Why did you correct Julie during class last night? She came home very upset. We want her to take class just for fun.

I am a teacher. I correct students. The art of dance requires a certain amount of personal discipline. I was asking her to do her best. She has taken class for four years and I thought she might want some input. I must have lost my mind.

Josh does not feel well. He was up sick all night and stayed home from school, but he was driving us nuts so I brought him in and he is going to try to take class.

Great! You take a break! I hope we will all catch what he has and get to stay home tomorrow.

My daughter wants to try out for her high school dance team but has never had time to take dance class. Could you give her a solo lesson so she can learn one of those double pirouettes and a back handspring for tryouts next Tuesday?

No problem! Double pirouettes and back handsprings are about as easy as it gets. It will probably only take about 10 or 15 minutes to show her. Those silly kids who come several times a week for five to six years make it all seem so complicated!

Can I postdate this check?

Can I kick you in the shin and steal your wallet?

I know Katie is supposed to be at her solo rehearsal in 15 minutes, but she has a chess club meeting after school. Can we reschedule?

That’s great! I will just sit here for that hour and think about what my family or another dancer might have done with an hour of my time. I have unlimited time in my schedule and Katie should learn that my time will never be more important than a chess club meeting. Please let me know when she has a free moment; maybe I can come to the house.

Alicia is in a wedding the day of dress rehearsal. If you could move that event to the morning, it would fit into our schedule much better.

An intermediate ballet student’s personal schedule certainly outweighs the cost of the facility rental fee and the plans of all the other dancers. I will check with you next year before booking. Please bring me some mints and a piece of cake.

When you hand out newsletters, could you please make sure that Ashlee gets three of them so that she can give one to her father, because we do not get along, and another one to her grandmother, who might bring her from time to time?

Of course! I will color code them and ask your 5-year-old to make sure that Mommy does not touch Daddy’s because Mommy and Daddy are counting on her to eliminate the tension in their relationship. Obviously, Mommy does not communicate well with Grandma either, so I’ll also tell her to keep one until she sees Grandma. While I’m at it, I’ll ask her to tell Daddy and Grandma that Mommy does not pay for her classes. That way, maybe I will get three checks!

Emma cannot attend class next week. I am hoping that you have a video of her routine so she can work on it before next week. Just let me know and I will pick it up. If not, maybe you could videotape the class she missed.

Finally! I have a full library of all my completed recital dances by November of every year. I also have every class professionally videotaped just in case a student cannot attend—perhaps you have seen the crew in the back corner of the room each week. I have been doing this for 25 years and you are the first parent who has asked me for a copy. I knew if I hung in there the expense would be worth it. You have got to be kidding me!

I know you teach dance, but what is your real job?

@!#?//%&@!* Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Well, when not answering endless emails, returning redundant phone calls, preparing for 16 classes each week, selecting and ordering hundreds of costumes, renting theaters, writing the newsletters that you ignore, choreographing 126 pieces (and that’s a slow year), cleaning the daily mess at the studio, figuring out how to pay the studio bills on the tuition you constantly complain about, preparing music that won’t offend you or your child, and evading you at the mall to avoid yet another conversation about Jenny’s progress while trying to buy pants for my daughter that she has needed for six weeks (plus a very belated birthday present for my husband), I am on the neurosurgical team at the research hospital and enjoy playing cello for the symphony orchestra.

 
by Rhee Gold

Ahhh! A new season is in the works—and so are all those ridiculous phone and email inquiries from the parents of “exceptional” children. Here’s one of my favorites: “My 3-year-old does all the dances with the contestants on So You Think You Can Dance—it’s like she has already been dancing for 10 years! Do you have an advanced class for 3-year-olds?” And here’s another one I’ll never forget: “We just put a jungle gym in the backyard, where my daughter, who is 6, has been swinging and flipping herself all day, every day for the last couple of weeks. I know that she has the potential to be an Olympic gymnast. Can she take class with the 12-year-olds because she already has all the basics she needs?”

Those kinds of calls make many school owners wonder if parents are nuts; yet most of them aren’t. They are just extremely proud of their children and lack any knowledge of dance training.

Another interesting thing I have come to learn is that dance teachers are not immune from behaving just like those crazy parents who leave them dumbfounded. At one of my seminars a dance school owner proclaimed that her 4-year-old was better than all the kids at her school. She said she didn’t know what to do because even the teenagers’ classes weren’t challenging enough for her daughter! It’s not often that I am left speechless, but I was at that moment. All I could wonder is what those teenagers (and their parents) thought about having a 4-year-old in their class. Could it be that they interpreted this school owner’s actions as favoritism for her daughter? You bet!

As maddening as those crazy inquiries are, I advise you to welcome them. Why? Because you understand that it’s natural for some parents, especially those who have preschoolers, to think that their children have abilities way beyond their years. Most simply want you to listen to their story as if you’ve never heard one like it before. Once they have had the chance to say what they need to about their child, then it’s your opportunity to begin educating them about dance training.

If you handle these parents’ proud declarations and inquiries with patience, you just might have the honor of having those “exceptional” children at your school from their preschool years all the way through high school. By that time you’ll have educated both the parents and the children about the joys and demands of dance training. And you just might have created some lifelong dance lovers in that family, which you never could have done if you hadn’t had patience with that proud parent (whom you might be just like, given the opportunity!).

There’s a lot more to the start of the season than answering parents’ questions and starting new client relationships, and our Season Opener issue is packed with information to help you. Do you want to get more organized and improve your school’s image? Ever wondered what improvisation could do for your students or how you can juggle being a mom and a studio owner? Do you need tips on how to encourage boys to keep coming to your classes? Are you considering bartering with a client or community member, interested in hiring a front-desk person, or wondering if a dance degree is really worth it?

We’ve got all that covered, plus more! This month you’ll learn about the pleasures of teaching adults—especially those whose hair is tinged with gray—and gain some practical advice about that oh-so-important art, the pas de deux. We’ve got a fun dance quiz to share with your students and staff, plus a grab bag of “Collective Wisdom,” terrific ideas from your fellow dance teachers.

This issue is a meaty one, so kick off your shoes and settle down for a good read. Then get ready to kick off one terrific new dance season!

By Tony Bougiouris

 A parent’s approval is probably one of the most natural things for a child to want. But when your dad comes from a reserved, military-minded Greek family, and when your chosen path in life is dance, that approval doesn’t come easily. An immigrant who has worked hard to create a better life for himself and his family, my dad had a lot of trouble with my choice of a profession.

When I was a baby, my mother swears, I would stop crying only when my sister tap-danced on our wooden toy box. So when I was 4, noticing my longing looks at my sister and my extreme energy levels, my mother enrolled me in dance lessons. My father didn’t think too much of it. Nothing really seemed to affect him, and that included my decision to start dancing.

I loved going to dance classes and soon began competing. When I won my first title, Master Dance of New England, my father became surprisingly supportive. Competitive dance can be a financial strain, and it was for us. So my father began fund-raising so that I could go to nationals. This sudden outburst of support made me uncomfortable. I wasn’t used to it, and having to ask people for financial help heightened my feelings of unease.

As the years passed, though, my dad’s support waned and the change confused me. Was I not good enough anymore? Did he not care? Did I do something wrong?

Those questions fueled my desire to prove myself to my father. If I was motivated enough and tried harder, I would get his attention and support back, no? No. Culturally speaking, my father also practices “tough love”—you have to earn it. But nothing I did seemed good enough to earn that love and approval. I could have jumped to the moon and back only to receive one-word affirmations. I’d think, “I did all of that and all you can say is ‘Good’? What is it going to take to get a warm response from you?” It killed me to have him so emotionally distant and uninterested. All I wanted was for him to say that he loved me and that I had done well. I felt inadequate, as if something were wrong with me.

Still, my desire for his approval had a positive effect on me as well. It cultivated a work ethic of never settling for less than my best, which I feel is a prerequisite for this profession.

I’d think, ‘What is it going to take to get a warm response from you?’

Things didn’t get any better when, at age 16, I made the decision to dance professionally. My parents feared that I was acting too quickly and without much thought. Up until then, my dad had thought that dancing was only a pastime; his view of the dance profession as unstable and monetarily unrewarding didn’t mesh with his lifelong goal of creating a better life for his family in the United States. But my desire to dance was stronger than my need to please my father. I auditioned for Juilliard, got in, and left.

My dad did not attend any of my performances during my four years of college, which drove home my feeling of inadequacy. But when I landed a job with Les Grands Ballets Canadiens de Montreal, he was forced to reconsider his initial concerns. He did something he never does—he went to the company’s website and did some research. When I came home for the holidays he began talking to me about one of the choreographers, and I was shocked by his interest.

I believe the fact that I had found a stable job changed his perception of my career, but it wasn’t until I had been in the company for two years that he said, “I don’t worry about you because I know you will be OK.” I know that was hard for him to say, and although I appreciated the sudden affirmation, it also made me feel uncomfortable. Nonetheless, it was progress. He has since come to some of my performances.

My story doesn’t fit the cliché of a father’s reluctance to accept his son’s dancing in a culture in which sports are revered or because of social stigmas. Although I would love to have a father who supported me fully and was not afraid to show his love, those were not the cards that I was dealt. We respect each other’s strengths and try not to focus on our weaknesses. Acceptance and progress come in spurts, but it’s progress nonetheless.